Its coming on Christmas

Wow, its hard to believe that this time last year, we were starting to decorate for Christmas and I was actually excited about it. It will be an entirely different kind of Carr Family Christmas this year. There will be no glitter, except for what is still on the floor from last year. No Griswold Christmas Party, except for the moosehead eggnog cups, no 18' Christmas Tree, or even reindeer on the front lawn, but there will be a
5'tall nutcracker that plays Christmas songs. This year is dedicated to simplicity, a lot less about me and a lot more about others. I missed the whole reason for the season last year, except of course for the family. This year is different in many ways.
Here in Yazoo, we still have people trying to recover from the tornado damages or loss of jobs. Being "mindful of the needs of others" and sharing whatever talents I have; and on my knees in thankfulness is the way I would like to spend this Christmas Season.

It is the way I will spend this Christmas Season.

Called out again

My daughters find it hard to be honest with everyone except for me. But that's o.k. because I am a big girl afterall, and like to hear about all of the things that I do
"all of the time" that really get "on their nerves". Any time I am with a daughter for more than 3 days (the magic number of togetherness days) I will be called out. This time it was Lizzie's turn. She gets really frustrated with me for changing my mind. I change my mind more often than the average woman, Lizzie claims, and it really drives her crazy.

I changed my mind 3 or 4 times that I can easily remember about something I wanted her to sew for me, and I guess there were other things I was not aware of, but it is good to know that I am still not perfect. I must still have some changes to make before I can be happy with myself and I don't mind being told about them, unless I disagree, and so I get to think a lot more before I try to decide, which makes it even more complicated - now that I can't change my mind.

should I post this or not?

Thanksgiving or What Family is All About

Its Thanksgiving Thursday, we call it that because Lizzie said one time that "Thanksgiving is on Thursday this year." Well, it was on Thursday this year too.
We are surrounded by our blessings. Family. And where there is family in this house, there will be food. But more than food, it is still about our family, our friends and coming together to be thankful. I hope that Thanksgiving has not become a "tell to"
tradition, like Mothers Day, or Fathers Day, a day you are told to tell someone you love that you love them. Well, there are people who need to be told to say these things because it is the only time they will say them during the year. Giving Thanks is another thing. But Jody Carr is quick to say that it is easy to be thankful when times are good and there is food on the table.

So what is Thanksgiving? It is the day like yesterday, and the day before tomorrow, a
day we take for granted. Thanksgiving is the day we stop long enough to say thanks, in an odd sort of way. It is a "tell to" day for many. It is a first time and last time for some, it is just another day for a multitude, but for me, it is truly a day to be thankful again, like yesterday and tomorrow for all blessings and for what is to come for better or for worse.

Steroids

I have been sick for almost a month and just found out I have walking pneumonia, its called that because even though you feel awful, you can still walk around and don't necessarily run fever. I have been to the doctor more in the last month than the whole year. Finally, I went to a Doc in the Box (that's what Lizzie calls it) in Birmngham.
He drew blood diagnosed me, stuck me twice with a really long needle and gave me steroids.

Now I know why athletes use this stuff, I have painted 6 small paintings, 4 medium size
paintings, 60 christmas balls (which took 8 hours), vacuumed the house 5 times,
refolded all the sheets and towels in the bathrooms, polished the pots over the kitchen island, and I have only been taking this medicine for 3 days. I have 3 days left. By the
time I'm finished, I figure I'll have Thanksgiving dinner cooked and frozen, including rolls, I'll have vacuumed 5 more times, bought and wrapped all Christmas gifts and decorated for christmas. I hate to think what's going to happen when I'm out of this wonder medicine - hopefully I will be well, but I am sure to crash. Well, at least everything will be clean!

The grocery store

No one will argue that the concept of the average grocery store has changed in their lifetime. I grew up across the street from Shaunessy's Grocery Store 58 years ago. It
is now the location for a bigger chain grocery. Being so close to the store allowed me
to run across the street and roam the isles. Back in the day of Shaunessy's there were fewer isles and less to choose from. Cheerios were in one size box. Sliced white bread
was just being sold in the plastic bag and there was just one or two varieties, milk was sold in cartons, you could buy whole or buttermilk, whipping cream and half and half.

Kaye's is where Shaunessy's used to be. I went there today to buy the makings for some vegetable soup. I guess I just was not in the mood to search through all the stuff that was hiding what I went in for. Why is it necessary to have 10 brands of whole tomatoes? And each brand have 10 varieties of whole tomato flavors? It just seems so wasteful.

A shopper with a child was pushing along with me. I can't help but notice what other people are buying, especially when they are extremely overweight. Everything that I try to avoid buying was in her basket. Her little child fit the description of what a child facing type 2 diabetes might look like. Is it lack of information? self control?
ignorance? or is it the overloaded shelves of anything anyone could possibly want that
encourage this epidemic of bad eating habits.

I wish Shaunessy's was still there. I want the small store with the fewer brands, the local produce and dairy products, the one that has nutrition in our interest instead of
the mega store that pushes calories. Simpler could possibly be better, or in our best interest, when it comes to grocers. But if the grocery's have changed this much in my lifetime, I can imagine it is not going to regress, it is just going to get larger, and worse for that little girl who does not know that an apple would be better to eat than that twinkie, and cupcake, and moonpie, and ... more on this later.

The last rodeo

The wedding weekend is over. Faith and Chris have been celebrated, partied, and toasted.
The weekend is in the Carr History books, Jody has declared the rodeo is over - he has taken away the checkbook and the credit card. All that remains is in our memories. Oh and they are good memories.

It was wonderful to return home, to vacuum the floor and mop, to pick up everything I left undone for weeks. All the old party lists and memos to myself are in the garbage.
I have nothing to remember to do. Going for the first time to walk this afternoon, was
almost a spiritual experience. Everything around me was happy - even the trees were smiling at me. It felt like a Walt Disney Movie and all of nature was singing.

Life is good now, it will change, as it does, but for now it is good. Faith and Chris
are married and have started their own life as one. We are once more very blessed.
Thank you God.

This is me

In more ways than one. Yes, this is me. I am sick, with a really sore throat, my
eyes hurt, and I have lost the sparkle in my step. This is how I feel, pretty awful.
There is no fluff no sashay or swish in my step, its just one foot in front of the other. I have to get better and fast. I have a party next week, a menu of plans, which requires being on top of my game because something is going to happen, it always does and I need to be ready. What to wear! Another problem.
Anyone with extra feathers, please send them my way, I need them - soon!

speaking of t.v.

I thought I had seen it all until Sunday. There is a new series called Sister Wives and it is about 3 women all married to Kody, a squirrely hair guy who can juggle 3 wives and a house full of 13 children. And since Polygamy is against the law, it makes the show even more outrageous. Now this is not just extreme reality t.v., this is just ridiculous. During the last episode, we were introduced to Kody and the sister wives. They are called sister wives, because they say they are like sisters. The first wife has only one child, the second
has three and is expecting, and the third wife had the rest and is expecting again too.
Obviously there is not enough excitement in the family, because Kody is courting again and is about to marry the 4th wife. He left the family to go 4 hours away to have a date with Robyn, the new (young)girlfriend and came home all smiley faced. I knew right then and there that it was a good thing I was not married to him because I would have slapped that silly grin right off of his face.

Oh, and he had to announce to the children that he was planning to marry Robyn and bring her (and her three children )into the family. I can just imagine what its like trying to explain that Daddy needs one more wife, because 3 is not enough.

There is a lot of anxiety bubbling up in that family and if I were Kody I would stay clear of the weekend yard chores, it looks to me like an ax is about to fall.

Crazy t.v.

I call it crazy t.v. because it makes me crazy when I watch it, one is America's fascination with midgets on reality t.v., another is the Hoarders series, another is
extreme foods. I can't watch any of these without wanting scream, clean or gag.
This crazy t.v. makes no sense to me. I think I am like most people, but maybe not.

I like to watch programs that teach me , or ones that entertain me, and some that even shock me, but I do not like programs that fall into the extreme categories, like eating centipedes, or fish eyes, or worms. I watched a program last week about a woman who
hoards, when it ended I got out of bed and cleaned out a closet, then the next day I got up and cleaned out another one, all because of one lady on t.v. who won't throw away anything, not even the trash.

And then there is the midget reality show, not that there is anything wrong with it, but really...

Cabbage Soup Results

Wednesday came and I had finally choked down the last of the cabbage soup. Anyone who
loves me please don't say the word cabbage in the next month. My tape measure says that
I added 1 inch to my bosom, 1 inch to my waist and lost 1 inch to my hips, which means
that I make a completely straight line from bosom to bottom. I'm not taking this news
very well, I was expecting the guaranteed 10 lb weight loss in one week! Instead I have the outline of a fettucini noodle except I'm round, I guess that would make me
a penne pasta, which shows you how hungry I am.

Lists

I keep lists,love lists, need lists of things to do, things to paint ,grocery lists, things I want to buy, etc. And a bucket list, really. That's a funny term coined by a movie about things you want to do before you die, but its a really fun list to make and I have added and subtracted from it over the years... a lot of wishes yet granted, maybe its time to start working on that.

I would like to:
See the Aurora Borealis, the Northern Lights
Hike in the Grand Canyon
Fly in a Helicopter (the Medical Helicopter does not count)
Ride on a camel
Climb all the way to the top of a cell tower (a short one)
Stay overnight in a forest ranger tower
Go to a roller derby
Ride my grocery cart back to my car
Skate in a roller skating rink
Try to ice skate
Bowl
Paint one really good painting
Fly in a hot air balloon
Drive across country in an 18 wheeler truck, well maybe to Jackson
See Greece
Sail in a large sailboat for several days, but not more than 7, maybe 1
Kayak again with my brothers
See Fr. Egan's grave in Ireland
Hike part of the Appalachian Trail,
Ride a train in the engine, with the engineer if course
Go up in a glider one more time
Meet James Taylor in person
Spend the night in a castle
Travel on the Orient Express

Cabbage Soup Diet

You can Google Soup Diets and this is the one that comes up on the top of the list of soups for dieting. And so I went to the grocery store with my list for green onions, green bell peppers, carrots, cabbage, etc... Came home and began to chop, and chop and chop. There is a whole bunch, as in "the" whole bunch of celery in this recipe. That is a lot of celery. There is only a half of cabbage, chopped, which is a lot of cabbage chopped. There is two large cans of tomatoes and a large bottle of V-8 juice too.

Jody and I really like cabbage - especially stir fried or boiled in wedges in salty water that has been seasoned with ham seasoning. So I'm thinking, "this soup is going to be a tasty weight loss hit". We are having cabbage soup for supper! I forgot how strong cabbage smells, its really not so bad when there are other smells going along with it like pork, chicken or fish, but standing alone, its like sauerkraut...just a little/ lot stinky. In the kitchen, in the den, in the bedrooms, in my bathroom, smells of cabbage - that sweet aroma, much like a dead mouse or rat that can't be found. Now thinking, I understand this diet plan completely. Once you cook this stuff, you will never be able to eat it or anything else as long as that smell is in the kitchen. My appetite is totally gone. I'm feeling skinny just smelling this soup.
I can't wait to have it for breakfast.

Meatloaf

Not the singer, but meatloaf, the kind that you eat. While watching Mother's favorite
t.v. channel, The Food Channel, Ina cooked meatloaf and so I compared hers to mothers
and mixed it up and here it is. Egan just cleaned her plate and she is picky, Lizzie
this is for you:

2 1/2 pounds of ground chuck
1 onion chopped
1/2 bell pepper chopped
2- 3 cloves of garlic, or more minced
1 tsp. thyme
2 tsp. salt
1 tsp. black pepper
1/2 package of Lipton's onion soup mix
1/4/cup wochestershire sauce
1/3 cup beef broth
1 TB tomato paste
2 eggs
1/2 cup bread crumbs

Tomato ketshup

Preheat your oven to 375 degrees
saute the onion, bell pepper and garlic in a little oil, take it off the heat. Put the ground chuck in a large bowl, Add to the vegetables the thyme, salt, black pepper, onion soup mix, woster sauce beef broth and tomato paste, stir together and pour over
the meat. Beat 2 eggs and pour on top. With your Clean Hands mix this all together,
add the bread crumbs and mix together, folding it in and not overmixing. Pour the meat
onto a baking pan that has been lightly greased and form into a loaf shape, uniform in
shape so that it bakes evenly. Pour tomato ketshup on top of the meat, enough to cover
the top. Place the meat into the oven. On the shelf below the meat put a pan of water
this will keep the meat moist and from drying out while cooking. Cook the meat
until it is done about 1 hour, but you may have to taste test.

When the meat is done, remove it from the pan out of any grease onto another platter,
and serve. ummm good.

Indian Summer

The leaves are as shaky as my mothers hands today. Indian Summer is setting in and I can
feel the change with less humidity, leaves on the ground and dusty air. Fall Sunsets here in the delta are much like the ones in the West - there is so much dust in the
air - little dust particle prisms magnified by the glow of the suns rays change our blue skies to yelow, orange and red, purple, green and indigo.

This is one of my most favorite times of the year, in competition with spring. I must be like most people loving the nicer rather than harsh weather, but if it were not for a really cold winter day, there would be no need for a nice warm fire, and if there were no hot days there would be no need for the relief of a pool of water. And I do love to wear flip flops and boots.

And I also love soups and stews and chicken and dumplings.

Blessings

This is Nettie Carr Ferguson, the newest member of the Carr, Ferguson family. Our newest little angel, just born, straight from the womb, brought into this world on August 20th, her grandmother "Mimi" Ferguson's birthday, and my brother Chuck's Birthday.
She is beautiful and all anyone needs in life is to hold a baby to know the truth of what God really wanted for us...innocence, trust and love.

August and the smells of summer

All that anyone can talk about is the heat and the humidity, but I can feel and smell
summer ending and I know it won't be long before an unexpected dry breeze will blow across us and one day we will wake up and say, It smells like football season.

On the short path to my studio yesterday, I thought I could actually smell the earth decaying and decomposing - ground smells of heavy humus cooking in the heat of the earth, lifted up like body odor. Earth, sweating. Then there came the hot summer shower and the steam was heavy enough to take my breath away. It smelled like a wet dog smells after coming in from a rain storm. All those end of the summer smells, just pour out of the earth in August, needing some relief, just like me.

The little girl

We are back in Birmingham, I am playing with babies again, growing children, but still
babies. I am remembering my own childhood, summer nights, staying up too late, sounds and smells, crickets, locust, frogs, charcoal, heavy night air, and attic fans. I can hear the sounds and smell the smells tonight, thick and sweet, much like syrup right before it burns. It's the same sounds and smells that I remember when I was a little girl, but now I'm not the little girl, I'm not the mother, I'm the grandmother.

Just one grandmother of millions on this sticky hot summer night, remembering, because it
is what we do, alone, sitting quietly on porch swings. Remembering ~ nights like this, years ago when we were little girls hearing for the first time the sounds and smelling
the fullness of summer.

and the mosquito truck...

A figment of my imagination

Is everything I think that I know just a figment of my imagination? I am constantly being retaught in the most unlikely places that things can be and usually are different than they appear.

Much of my life as I know it has changed rapidly in the last 10 years, children marry,
children have children, a parent dies, a parent ages, and children continue to have
children. Life goes on. Where does this put me? In a most wonderful and incredible
place in my life, where I see the beginnings and the endings and it brings wonder moment to moment.

Mother fell while I was on vacation little over a month ago, she is in rehab in a "swing bed". She is away from her environment and in a vulnerable situation, in that she is encouraged to share time with others. That means sitting on a patio watching birds and talking to the other residents. I believe she likes it. I would even dare to say that she is happy.

What am I learning. To be and observe and maybe not to react so quickly. To endear the precious moments as they come, and to embrace them and learn from them like babies,
coming into the world in awe, in wonder. As we come - we will certainly go and in my heart I know it will be awesome and full of wonder.

watermelon woman

Did I mention yet, that after vacation, possibly before, I observed that I look like I swallowed a nice size watermelon. whole. I have two pregnant daughters and I look
sympathetically related in condition. Vacation did not help, but one can't blame everything on circumstances surrounding lack of self control. One has to blame oneself,
and now one has to suffer.

I like going to the meat market when I have gained weight. I like to say to myself, "I need to lose 5 pounds" and then find a 5 pound roast or hamburger meat, pick it up and hold it and get a sense of what I'm up against. Well, I really need to lose 12 pounds. That's the size of a turkey. We cooked two 12 pound turkeys for Thanksgiving one year. So I need to lose a turkey.

Its time to make a plan. If I don't by this time next year I will look at myself and
my daughters will have delivered their babies and I'll still look sympathetically pregnant, and will probably need to lose a 20 pound turkey. So I'm going off now to
evaluate all my options. I like to have a plan so I'm going to have a plan and I'm going to keep up with it here so that I can have myself to account to. One 12 pound turkey AWAY!!!

Come Oil or High Water

Jody and I are on our family vacation on the same weekend in June, in the same Condo unit, with the same view of the beach in Perdido, Florida as we have had for over 10 years. But this year it is apparent that something is different, there are not half of the people here and there are men in little green vest with orange helmets and yellow rubber shoes running up and down the beach in dune buggies, carrying bags that are empty.
The oil is out there it is approximately 5 miles out in the Gulf, surrounding us, but
we don't see it, not yet anyway. Down the beach from us it is reported that there is
oil on the beaches, I am curious enough to drive down sometime soon to see it, as I have promised myself to bring some home.

But for now, Jody and I are cooking a big pot of Seafood Gumbo and I have plans to get
all the makings together for a huge sandcastle building tomorrow. I was worried that the little babies would destroy it like they have a tendency to do, but not one of the little ones will put their toes in the sand, so I think we are safe.

Off on vacation

Yes, the ole family is heading to Gulf Shores - to a location in Perdido Key, Florida with as good aview of the Gulf of Mexico as any. True, the sand is not as white and the ocean is not as blue as Destin, but a good family spot for 70 family members to congregate and visit.

This year we have a slight complication...the oil. I am convinced that the oil is really not a problem, not for this family who have gathered before hurricanes and seaweed that could strangle you, or jellyfish, the worst of the group.

I am determined to turn this disaster into something good. Here we have all this motor oil swimming around in the ocean - its too bad we can't scoop it up and sell it. Its got to be good for something! I worked at Motor Parts Company on Washington Street in small town Yazoo City, MS. too long and I know there is always a use for greasy stuff.
I'm taking my dawn dishwashing detergent too, just in case of an unfortunate occurrence like getting that black stuff on my pretty red toenails - now that would be a disaster.

not now

Every time I turn on the computer it reminds me of updates that need installing. There are only two answers," o.k." and "not now". I wish everything in life had those two answers. The computer on occasions will offer as an answer, "never ask this again".


I love to select "not now", I think that maybe that could be the best answer of all times. I know it is usually a perfect answer for me, because I am never really ready to select "o.k." or "never ask this again". Not now. It is so easy, and quick. If only I could say that as often as I select it on the computer screen. But in real life, not now, is usually not a good answer, it is not what others want to hear and so I say O.K
when sometimes what I really want to say is "never ask this again."

Things that no one can "make better"

Ellen's Mammaw is dying. She is in Hospice and got the call that her grandmother would probably die on the weekend. Ellen is her Grandmother's little girl and always will be.
And there is nothing she can do. This is the part of life that really stinks. I'm sorry but it does, it stinks. There is nothing about it that is easy for anyone, except for maybe Mammaw. She is old and She is ready to leave this world and be where she has always planned on being - heaven.

We will know and we will welcome it one day, at least that is my hope. I will never forget a passage by Willa Cather in her book "My Antonia" that I embrace as a wonderful description of dying. This is what it says:

"I sat down in the middle of the garden, where snakes could scarcely approach unseen, and leaned my back against a warm yellow pumpkin...I kept as still as I could. Nothing happened. I did not expect anything to happen. I was something that lay under the sun and felt it, like the pumpkins, and I did not want to be anything more. I was entirely happy. Perhaps we feel like that when we die and become a part of something entire, whether it is sun and air, or goodness and knowledge. At any rate, that is happiness: to be dissolved into something complete and great. When it comes to one, it comes as naturally as sleep."

And with that vision in my mind, I will go to bed with prayers that Ellen's Mammaw will
feel happy and complete and warm like a little boy laying under the sun with his back against a big pumpkin in a field, or a little girl in a field of daisies, or friends laying in the grass watching two kites playing in the sky.

The Three Angels

This is the last and most recent night encounter. I have to call these experiences encounters, since they are so real to me. This is the one that comforts me to know its
o.k. to sleep. Like my sister, Elizabeth said, I'd be afraid to go to sleep at night.
Sometimes I awake very concerned, but I am not afraid.

It was about two months ago that I had this encounter. I was not dreaming. I was asleep and for some reason awoke from my sleep feeling something was there in the room.
I opened my eyes and three angels were over me at the foot of my bed. I could see their faces, hair and they appeared to all be male, except that I can't be sure, perhaps angels don't have a gender. The angel in the center carried a shield, the angel on the right had eyes that glowed. I don't remember anything unusual about the angel on the left. They did not leave when I sat up in bed to be sure I was not imagining things.

In the dark room they had a transparency to them, and I could see many details that I wish I could portray. I have yet to try to sketch them, but I do plan to. There was no glow or halo, except in the one angel's eyes. Slowly they disappeared.

It left me with an amazing calm and peace and lets me know that there is nothing to fear. I wake sometimes just trying to see them again. They have not revealed themselves since. I am sure that in the future I will experience more dreams, encounters and hopefully angel visits. I will record them as they happen.

Being Held Down

The 4th night experience came in another place beside my home. I was laying on my side facing Jody and I felt hot suddenly and the presence of something right next to me
pushing my back. I turned over onto my back and suddenly their was a force over me holding me down and I was unable to move. I tried to cry out for Jody to help me, but I was paralyzed and could not do anything except to fight to get it off. Finally it lifted and was gone.

I researched this and many people experience this, sometimes often. It is called sleep paralysis but most of the people say that it feels like an attack instead of being
paralyzed . I agree with that, it was definitely the feeling of something heavy and
physically restricting.

Angel in Black

This is my 3rd experience and the first angel. This was not a dream. It is the late summer of 1996.

In April I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had surgery and chemotherapy treatments. A favorite place of mine to go and shop was the Cheshire Cat, owned by Lisa Crow. I used to look for things to use in paintings, especially stillife paintings. I had not painted in a while, but was in her shop and saw a bamboo table and 2 chairs that I wanted for the patio. Lisa said that a young man and his wife were looking at the set but would let me know if they did not buy it. A couple of weeks passed and Lisa called one afternoon to say that the couple had not come back in and that the set was mine if I still wanted it. I went to the shop and while I was there a young man walked into the shop. I expected that it was the husband coming to pick up the table but he walked right by it without a look so I purchased it and left. That same day Lisa was killed in her shop by that same young man. He came back into her shop before closing time to rob her. He left with her purse and $7.00 and Lisa on the floor in a pool of blood from a fractured skull. It was one of the saddest days that I can remember.

It was several weeks later that I awoke to see an angel standing at the foot of our bed. She was dressed in black with her arms outstretched from her sides, she had golden hair and a halo surrounding her head but she did not have wings. I could not see her face but she was in all accounts the image of Lisa Crow. I could not move and was afraid that if I shut my eyes she would be gone so I laid there in silence. Jody, laying next to me, awoke and got out of bed heading to the bathroom. He walked right through her, turned on the bathroom light and she was gone.

The Dark Stranger

This is the 2nd experience and it was in the form of a Lucid Dream, yet it was as real as this very day.

Dreams with messages come with a punch, mine are meant to get my attention and this one surely did.

There is a man standing over me with a knife and he is about to plunge it into me. Jody is laying next to me and I see the fear in his face as he watches in horror. I can feel the knife pierce my left side and I wake myself up crying out for help. The room is silent and dark, Jody is asleep. It was a dream, and it was also an omen. Three weeks later I was diagnosed with breast cancer in my left breast. I believe the knife bearer was foretelling an operation.

The boy

This is the first account of experiences with my angels.

Jody and I had recently moved into our new house in Yazoo. We had a room off our bedroom for my studio and his office upstairs. There was a pocket door that slid inside the wall to open or close the door and the door was closed that night. Jody was asleep
when I awoke and saw standing in the door, which was open a young boy about 3 or 4 dressed in a child's romper, much like the ones that Cindy Foose and I made for people. He just stood there and did not move. I watched him and sat up in the bed, when I did he slowly faded away. The darkness of the open door replaced with the white of the closed door. I never knew why he was there. But he was my first "sighting" of something I had never experienced before and it really rattled me.

angels and my experiences

When I was a young girl I would sleepwalk and end up in different rooms of the house, it would scare mother to death because my bedroom was upstairs. When I was at camp, they
would assign a counselor to sleep in the bunk next to me in case I tried to walk out of the door. As an adult, night time can be a time for all kinds of adventures in my sleep
or not. I am going to tell in a series of blogs about my dreams and about my encounters
with what I am sure are angels. I'm going to start with the very first one through the last which was a couple of months ago.

I have lucid dreams - that is a dream that you are aware that you are in a dream state and you can choose to wake up or continue to dream - it is hard to explain and sleeping aids do not bring them on, these dreams can be good or horrifying. I believe that even
these dreams have a meaning and I have come to know about the meaning of some. I use these dreams as a guide, I listen to what I think they are trying to tell me and I am
not afraid of them, even though it can be a troubling experience. I have kept accounts
of each occurrence just in case I forget, but so far I do not forget. The next blog will begin with my first night experience with a little boy.

Bed Bath and Beyond

When Lizzie and Robert returned from their trip to Nashville, I decided to leave the house and go "out". Just out. Anywhere, but somewhere there were people who stood upright most of the day and did not play with toys. I went to the closest shopping center to run an errand. Across the parking lot was Bed Bath and Beyond in really BIG
letters. It lured me in like I was hypnotized. Bed...Bath...and Beyond...it was just
what I needed after babysitting. I parked went inside and bought a travel cup.

I am feeling a little disappointed in myself for such ridiculous behavior but really it was not my fault - its the name that drew me in. Even though I know I'm not going to walk into the store and find the nearest bed, jump in, sleep and find myself somewhere
beyond... I felt the need to explore the possibility. Luckily the beds in Bed Bath and Beyond don't look all that comfortable to me. Snap out of it!

Like I said I found a nifty travel cup since I travel a lot, with its own straw. Details. You have to love them.

reentry

O.k. lets pretend I'm an astronaut, except I have not been to outer space, but I've been
to another world and there is nothing there except babies, 2 years or younger. I have
adapted to this new world of baby talk, hot dogs and juice and now it is time to reenter into the world of grown-ups. My orbit is finished, I step out of my spaceship into the
normal adult world but I'm still thinking like I was in the world of babies.

Detox. Its hard to start thinking like an adult again when you have been listening to
babies jabber for days and watching looney toons. I am not even in the nursing home yet but I understand about 2nd childhood. I'm making plans for mine as I write. For instance I want walls covered with white or brown paper that I can paint or draw on.
I want wine in my sippy cup after 5:00p.m. and i want Lizzie to make me some really
cute diaper covers like the ones she makes for babies, except a little larger.

I leave for home tomorrow and already I know that i am going to have to face an adult and not feel compelled to wipe their nose, get hair our of their face or ask them if
they have pooped. But until then, since I'm still in orbit, I'll say goodnight or
YO Gaba Gaba!

Ground Hog's Day

I am leaving again for a babysitting stint in Birmingham. Saturday for Lizzie and
Monday for Catherine. I get Sunday off. yippee.

For some reason I feel like I have just done this - oh, I have! Time passes so fast that it feels like its going backwards! Actually, I feel like I am in the movie "Groundhog's Day", where the main character gets up every morning and it is the same day over and over again. My day is set in Birmingham, at Catherine's House. I am with Mia (2), Ty (1), Jack the itchy dog, Casey, the hairy dog and Copper the Cat. I get up cook, change diapers, vacuum, mop, sweep, dress, cook, change diapers, sweep, sit (whew), cook, change diapers, cook, give baths, drink wine, go to bed and get back up the next day and do it all over again. I can always tell when its time to go back to babysit, my hands have time to grow another set of fingernails. By the time I get home they will be gone again. Do I like this? No, I LOVE it.

Yes, I know I didn't say anything about Lizzie's House, well, she doesn't have two children yet, but soon she will and I'll be doubling up there too. Jody is working on
my clone to help me out with all these babies - this copy of me will be financially
independent and be able to eat really hot, spicy foods, the way he likes it.

Things left behind

I have watched too much of "Toy Story" in the past, I considered the toys as human today when I picked them up and put them back into the closet, Poor Pitiful Pearl had a more pleasant smile on her face after being played with one more time, even though she has the most unpleasant hair in the whole doll community. Some child loved her so much that her hair matted up or fell out. I seem to understand.
But Toys as well as humans need a break sometimes. We love being played with so hard that you almost fall apart. Its all about being useful, whether you are a toy or a grandmother, everything needs to be needed and used up, left alone to fill back up and
then used up again, like battery life. The house is in recharge mode getting the charge
back on, until the next onslaught. whenever.

On the Counter Drugs

A bottle of wine, sippy cups, children's motrin, benedryl ...

Brain fog

I like to blame brain fog on the chemotherapy I underwent in 1996. Jody says I had it before I ever had cancer, so he does not buy into it. Lately my brain is definitely
foggy. It likes to go off in a trance and not have to think. For the last week we have been keeping 2 children under the age of 3, it has demanded a lot of thinking and maneuvering to stay ahead of these babies, but by 5:00 I can hardly say a sentence that makes any sense, except to the 2 year old. I sound like an adult talking like a child.
And what is worse is that I talk in 3rd person, ex. "Hoppie is going to have a glass of wine and then another one." Which is not a bad idea, and hopefully it will clear up some of the fog.

Babies, Sharpies and White Chairs

"Did I tell you about the white chair?" This is Catherine speaking to me on the telephone.
No. She had not but just the question brought an explosion of images in my mind. Last
month the bathroom caught on fire, the month before that White paint was spilled all over the floor by unattended babies who have learned to climb. So I have learned to use my imagination creatively when Catherine suggests a possible chaos. "I'll have to send
you a picture" she says. She did.

I think she should give them two sharpies and let them finish the job they started.

Spring Cleaning

"This mess is a place!" author unknown.

I had help from a hired housekeeper before the babies came to visit 4 weeks ago just to make sure the toilet water was safe enough to play in and the floor clean enough to eat on. I went back home with the babies and stayed away for another 2 weeks. I am cleaning the house again, this time with no help. The first thing I noticed is that there is entirely too much stuff involved in cleaning house. Cleaning housewives are totally unequipped to handle all the tools involved in housekeeping. So I am going to
invent a revolutionary new way to clean.

My first invention is going to be a papertowel dispenser that hangs like a necklace around the neck. I can already imagine myself on the QVC.
My second invention will be the Housekeepers Tool Belt. Much like one of those Tool Belts that electricians and plumbers and carpenters wear, this one is will be designed
"girly like" and hold all the important cleaning tools that a girl needs while she is
cleaning the house. Forget the apron with two pockets. This is a "I MEAN TO CLEAN" tool belt. It will come equipped with pouches, holsters loops, clips, and a velcro belt for the ever changing waistline. Here are a few things I plan to put on my belt.
My favorite Mr. Clean Magic Eraser, a small spray bottle of multipurpose cleaner, gloves, toothbrush, room deodorizer, swifter duster, hand lotion (gloves dry my hands out), nail file (cleaning makes my nails brittle), lip gloss and small mirror, water bottle, small bag of M&M's, something salty, small flask of beer or wine with nipple, cell phone to call cleaning lady.

Flower Carts and other Compulsions

Jody Carr does not have one compulsive bone in his body, that is why God gave him me.
After three weeks with children and their babies and moving children and their stuff (these are just excuses for compulsive behavior) I had a moment in a Garden Center in Nashville, TN. I walked into a dark room looking for a spade and walked out the proud owner of a very old flower cart. It will live in the back courtyard under the kitchen window when I can go to pick it up. I don't think it will fit into my car.

This morning like every other morning, Jody finds me drinking coffee staring out the window. "What did you buy in Nashville at a Garden Center, that cost ...?" Remember he
checks the bank accounts each day (thankfully) and he knows everything, even what is in
or not in my accounts (this can sometimes not be good). But on this day, its o.k. because I love this flower cart and I will be a good owner for it and it will not be stuck off in a dark corner ever again (bad reasoning, but it works for me). So I try the Diane Carroll approach and I bat my eyes at him and say "I was going to surprise you, honey." Jody threw his head back and laughed that knowing laugh of his that lets me know he just doesn't know what to do with me - hopefully or without me.

Dreams and Angels

As if I don't have enough excitement in my daytime life, my nights can make my days seem more like rest. I'm talking about dreams. At least once during the night I will dream about places where I have worked, The Catholic Church and Motor Parts Company. It is not enough that I worked there in person, now I have to work there in my sleep. This time the problems are exaggerated to the point of exhaustion when I awake. Bulletins that won't print, chasing animals out of the Church, walking behind
the counter at Motor Parts with no parts to sell, stacks and stacks of statements and invoices that don't match needing to be mailed right now...it just doesn't seem fair to
have to dream this kind of stuff. Where are the beautiful meadows and waterfalls, clouds and singing birds?

Occasionally there are some things I do experience during the night that I can't exactly call dreams because they seem too real. For instance, two nights ago, I awoke to three angels over me. They were transparent but I could see their outlines. I sat up in bed and looked up at them, hovering over me, trying to note all that I could about them. The one in the center carried a shield. Another one had eyes that glowed, the others did not. I will paint them soon. And I will remember forever that they were
there with me, if not always, on that one night.

There again, I could not go back to sleep for hours.

Time in a Bathtub

Jim Croce wrote "Time in a Bottle"
The first verse says:

"If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that I'd like to do
Is to save every day
Till Eternity passes away
just to spend them with you"

I have been on an adventure.
It started in a bathtub with two grandchildren and
took me through three incredible weeks.
I won't go there - except for the memories that greeted me as
I returned to find the forgotten tub toys all dried out, bright
but a little lonely in the bottom of my bathtub.

Now, the bath... All cleaned out and fresh
water ready to study, alone, without interruption, except
for the faint laughter of babies, bathtoys and tender
memories.

Spring fever

I have it, the fever, the anticipation, the itch, whatever it is, I have it. I have it so
bad that I pray every night for just one warm sunny day, just one. I think it will be here tomorrow and I don't think I can go to bed tonight. I want to be awake when it gets here. I'm trying to talk Jody into a Bumpers night out just in case it comes by
dinner time, but I'm sure it will wait until I am asleep. I feel like a little girl waiting for Santa Claus, but to me this is bigger than Santa, it is the coming on of my very favorite season Springtime. If I were not afraid of bugs, I'd sleep outside. I can't help it, I just don't like them - bugs.

I want to sit by the edge of my flower bed and see if I can watch the daffodil open up.
I can already see signs of budding in the bushes and trees but its just not happening fast enough for me...patience, I know, but I'm tired of being patient, I'm ready for spring!

"Soul-making"

Amanda has been reading one of my favorite writers, May Sarton. It was all I could do to get home and find my books again and begin to read... here is something I found and one of the reasons I love her writing:
from Journal of a Solitude by May Sarton, "Letting go, I have come back yesterday and today to a sense of my life here in all its riches, depth, freedom for soul-making."

Here, is Yazoo City, and our little place in this world, where we live and where we grew up and where we raised our babies to be children and then adults and now parents. Here is still where we live, in this one little place where we awake and we sleep and we work, where we watch, together all the days go by. Yes, here we are rich with each other, with our friends, with our families, with all Gods creation. Here we are rooted so deep that there is no storm that could blow us apart. We, Jody and I, are one, yet we are two. We are so uniquely different, but so much alike, we are two souls, and soulmates. I come back over and over to this place in my life, in all its riches, depth and soul-making, and I am so thankful.

One ray of sunshine

It has been a cold and rainy winter. I know what my grandmother meant when she said "I feel the damp in my bones." Me too. It has been a good winter for painting, for which I am thankful, because there was nothing else to do outdoors, much to do inside, but I prefer to paint when I get to control the choices. I recall once or twice seeing the
sun break through a cloud to send a glimpse of hope into a dreary day to remind me that
the sun will shine again. I have always suffered with a certain degree of depression -
not in a really bad way but in a way that makes really happy days wonderful - I consider that this winter has been just a depressed moment with a cloud hanging overhead just waiting to lift and expose the most beautiful day on earth.

I am thankful for these differences in weather and in my own body. It is something to
look forward to, breakthroughs of sun, happiness, into dreariness. I feel it coming, like I feel the damp in my bones. A light coming from Heaven, just one ray of sunshine.

Age

I was 26 when mother was my age - 58. I wish I could go back and talk to her now at that age. Her hair was long enough to put into a french twist, but I never remember seeing it long and brushed out, it was always wrapped up and secured to her head by long
hair pins. I remember that she asked me over and over again "Do I look old?" Mother had wonderful skin, really smooth and pretty. She didn't have a lot of crows feet around her eyes because she didn't smile very much, but no she never looked old to me.
She looks old, fragile, now. Wilting a little like a delicate little flower, whose petals are becoming more and more transparent holding on by a brittle little thread to its stem. She doesn't ask me anymore if she looks old.


And I think in 26 years I'll be her age and I'll look old and fragile too. I see all the signs of it every time I look in the mirror. The difference is I have LOTS of crows feet around my eyes. And I hope that as I age they get deeper and deeper from smiling
too much.

Exercise...or the lack of

No. I did not make a new years resolution to get fit - I did that last year. I bought one, no two exercise tapes to workout in my painting studio while I'm not painting. I used them twice. Each one, once. I really hate admitting this to myself that I am basically lazy when it comes to exercising. I love to walk on a pretty day, the key word is pretty day.

I guess that because I ordered my tapes online, the get fit fast exercise people have my e.mail address. They write to me each day. I think that they know I'm not using the tapes - they know because I do not respond to the questions about how many inches I have lost. I have lost no inches, hopefully I have not gained inches but I won't find out because I won't measure.
Measuring is against my nature. It is a number thing. I don't like numbers and I don't intend to make friends with them now. I can tell when I'm gaining inches by the way my clothes fit and today they fit.

I know I need to exercise, and I really look forward to the next pretty day and hopefully I will go out and walk faster than usual. Miracles do happen, I keep telling myself.

House Hunting

Jody and I are in Birmingham after being in Nashville to House Hunt for Faith and Chris who are getting married and moving
there in March. They are in LA , California (not lower Alabama) and it was Jody's suggestion that we drive to Nashville and look at the places they were interested in. We did see some really sweet places, one especially that was brand new and still in the right price range - but it was too new and clean. It lacked character, there wouldn't be enough problems to contend with for the
young couple with lots of energy and a liking for things with a little grunge. So here is a photo of a porch connected to an older home with lots of character -one we found that I thought they would really love. Even though the stuff does not come with the house I thought it showed promise. And it was right next door to some old hippie that I felt sure they would just love.

We found this house by driving up and down streets, one after another looking for "for rent" signs. Jody and I looked like we were watching a tennis match while driving - look to the right and to the left and to the right and to the left... and did I mention that
it was 29 degrees? But I do believe we helped find town house that will fit their needs - for one year until they can find a grungier house.

Mia is two!

This is what it looks like to be two! Nothing except blowing out that candle that matters. It took 5 tries and some big puffs to get that candle out finally. Can you remember what that kind of cake tastes like? vanilla flavored shortening, sweet enough to make me shakey for days. I can't allow myself even one bite, but it sure was fun watching her stuff it in her mouth and smile.

Mother's deodorant

Question to mother last time she was here and holding a bottle of Phillips Milk of Magnesia. "Are you sick?" "no. its my new deodorant. I heard it works as a deodorant."
Jody and I looked it up on the Milk of Magnesia site and they claim that along with curing a sour stomach, it also cures underarm odor. Why I never thought about the fact that anything that helps a sour stomach could help sour armpits is beyond me. I scratch my head in wonder at all the useful things just sitting around that I could be using for multi purposes. Why just the other day Jody said that the armadillo deterrent that he bought was 90% garlic powder. Sprinkle it across the lawn and the armadillo won't step or stick his nose near it. I'll never forget the time we threw moth balls all over the lawn to keep the dog from using the bathroom in the flower beds, can you guess how that smelled? It smelled like the elderly man in church on any given winter sunday.

So I have gone to the google in search of strange uses for everday products and here are a few:
*the next time you men run out of shaving cream just lather on whipped cream - yummy
*Powdered milk, water and watercolor powder can be used to paint your house - that is of course in climates where there is no rainfall.
*coat cut up sponges with petroleum jelly to make great fish bait.
*"consider" (the key word here) using a blow dryer on a low setting to help calm middle of the night ear pain in kids. (yes, I would "consider" this very carefully)
*Turn the vacuum cleaner on the help relieve the cries of colicky babies (they failed to say turn the vacuum cleaner on in YOUR room so YOU CAN"T HEAR the cries of the baby.
what'd you say??

I said my stomach hurts! Well here, take some Milk of Magnesia and while your at it...
Down the hatch
or under the arm
Milk of Magnesia
Works like a charm.

Pollyanna

Flashback. I am 13.

The Yazoo Theater was on Washington Street and it was .25 cents to stay for a whole afternoon of movies. While everyone else was in love with Elvis and Elvis films, my heroine was Hayley Mills, and my most favorite film was Pollyanna.

The movie is about an orphan (Pollyanna) who goes to live with her stern aunt (Aunt Polly). Her philosophy on life was to find something good in every situation, something she called the "glad game". No matter how bad a situation is, there is something to be glad about. She slowly changes a whole town with her approach to life, teaching them that it is better to see the bright side than the gloomy side of life.

Now, I'm 56. I am ever aware of lifes hardships. I was in the grocery one day and overhearing a conversation between two women who were discussing hard times, illnesses, and worries. "But I am thankful, yes Lord, God is good." "And times are going to get better, and aren't we just happy for this day." It was a Pollyanna moment. Finding the best in the worst of times, people, or life is not easy, but it is possible and it's certainly more pleasing to look for the rainbow instead of the storm.

The Weeping Cherub

Cindy Foose and I went to St. Francisville last summer and visited around some of the
gardens in the area. One of my favorites was Afton Villa Gardens, where the ruins of an old Antebellum Home, destroyed by fire, is the backdrop for the most beautiful gardens.
In one spot we found the family cemetary.

There she was, the little cherub, weeping at a grave, a nameless grave, perhaps the family dog, but just the same a grave. The image of it was enough to inspire me to paint it. I will name it "Do not Weep" for the poem written by Mary Frye:

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight
I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die.

Goldie Locks

I hate to be a wimp, but Goldie Locks and I have a lot of things in common and I have to admit they are all wimpy things. She likes everything to be "just right" and so do I.
I can't sleep on a hard bed, I have to have a pillow top to make it just right, I can't
sit in a hard chair - I can possibly sit in one that is too soft, and I like my soup
JUST RIGHT.

My lips are swollen, its a good thing I'm typing instead of talking. Jody discovered chipotle peppers, they are smoked jalapeno peppers and they turn red in the process, that should be warning enough, but no... He used 1/2 a jar in our soup tonight. "This soup is TOO HOT!" is nothing compared to the expletives she (or I)would have added to it tonight. I know about expletives, I grew up with them. They fill a need to help describe something that is too hard to describe otherwise- that's why people swear so much, because they can't figure out anything else to say.

If I stuck my tongue to a frozen pole, it couldn't hurt much worse, so I'm off to look for relief...X@#*! it.

Cleaning out

Its January, still. And this is the month that I clean out. I start by going through all the drawers, closets, and storage places. I have a system. In a laundry basket, I
place all the stuff that needs to be removed to another place other than the garbage can - for that I have a big plastic bag tied around my waist. Nothing is out of my reach
or the scrutiny of being tossed...nothing. What is it and why is it here? Have I worn this in the last decade? If there is an answer on the positive side, it gets to stay -

if not...

So this is my January routine, until the weather begins to warm and I start nesting again. Just like those birds, even though I'm not having any eggs to house, I'm looking
for something to "fluff" the house, and so we begin again... collecting another season
of stuff, and the vicious cycle begins again, until next January when I will go back
through the house and remove all the clutter and swear I won't buy anything ever again,
until spring comes...

Biggie Bags and night bugs

One of my favorite Christmas gifts was from Faith and Chris. It was a Date Night Box.
There was a bottle of wine, a c-d music mix, and a $10.00 bill to Bumpers in a handcolored certificate folder. One of our favorite Yazoo eating establishments.

Jody and I have been Bumping to Bumpers for a few years now. There is just something about sitting in the truck with the windows down on an early spring or fall night, watching the trucks drive by on Hwy 49 East and the night bugs swarming around the lamplight, drinking our bag wine and discussing deep subjects.

We order a Biggie Bag - that is 2 hamburgers, fries and your drinks. We take a tray of condiments, the ketshup, salt and pepper, napkins, and our bottle of wine and just sit in the truck relaxing to Music by Bumpers on the speaker phone and enjoy reading the dessert menu, even though I have never ordered anything. One day soon, I'm going to order me a whirlie.

Its wonderful to have something so special to look forward to. I just hope someone is not in our favorite spot.

NIck's Crab Brie Bisque

A friend of mine shared this recipe with me and I cooked it for Ty and Ellen this week.
It takes less than 30 minutes to make and tastes like you spent hours. As Amanda would say, "I could throw my face in it."

Crab Brie Bisque

1 small Onion, minced
1 stick of celery minced
1 1/2 sticks of butter
1 cup of all purpose flour
2 cups chicken broth (I ended up adding more)
2 cups of half and half
2 cups of whipping cream
2 glasses of chardonnay (about 3/4 cups each) - one is for you and one for the bisque
1/2 lb brie (rind removed) and cut in small pieces
1 lb lump crabmeat

saute the onion, celery and butter for 5 minutes, add flour and cook 5 minutes more
pour in chicken broth and stir until thickened, add half and half and heavy cream,
the chardonnay and brie and warm gently until brie is melted. Add crabmeat to warm.
Salt and Pepper to taste. I think the next time that I make it I will leave a small amount of the crabmeat to put on top of the soup with some parsley.

If you are worried about your weight and plan to substitute milk or low fat, then just forget cooking this. It pleads to be rich and creamy and just has to be eaten this way or not at all. so there.

Being an artist

I like being an artist, because I can be one all of the time, even when I'm not painting.
Being an artist involves noticing a lot of little things that most people don't observe.
I do a lot of staring at people, how they hold a cigarette, cross their legs, stand, sit,
etc. I get to notice all the subtle color changes that happen in a treeline over the course of a year and how the skies and clouds turn from pinks to bright orange and I like to see the colors in a dark shadow. I get to imagine how I would paint this and the process I would have to go through to do it.

I like the challenge of the painting and what difficulties I will have to tackle in order to paint it and I know that I'll fail but keep on trying until I get it right one day. I'm patient about that day, I know it will come and I'll finally paint that painting right. And then I start all over and study again.

Mother

"Call me so I'll know I'm still alive."

Something mother said to me one day before hanging up the telephone. But I guess it makes some sense if you understand that she sits in her chair each and every day doing what she has done for all the years of her life (that I can remember) - read. It must be like the movie "Groundhogs Day" or deja vu for her every single day.

Aloneness. I like my aloneness, when I want it. Mother Loves hers. I remember as a
child coming home from school to a handwritten note on the back door that said
"Quarantine! Do not knock or disturb". Later in life, she left off the quarantine and
just wrote "Do not knock or disburb!" on the back door. I would take them off the door or they would stay up for a month. I have a whole stack of them. Her lack of desire to entertain company or the UPS man is not limited to just the public but even to us, her family. And try as she may to discourage our visits, we just keep coming..."like the plague" she would say.

My brother Chuck,here for Christmas and staying in Jackson, was in town and called to let Mother know he was about to arrive. He gets to Yazoo about 3 times a year.
"Chuck, I'm up to my neck and can't have company" - "up to your neck in What!" Chuck asked, "I'm just busy." was all she said. We laughed about that and mostly expect it to happen when we call to plan a visit. We all know that she loves us, but would rather be alone. "You are like my mother" she says to me. "You like people. And they
just bore me to tears." I guess, I am like my grandmother but sometimes I would love to be more like mother, happy to just sit and read. I guess I should call her now so that she will know she's still alive.

Oh the sweetness of Confession

Yesterday I was upset with myself because I had been insincere, so I fixed it. I wrote
and confessed, apologized and felt the weight lift from my shoulders like an ugly ole grudge and I do believe I even weigh a little less, I'm pretty sure I'm taller too.

Complete honesty is not an easy path, especially if you think you are going to hurt someone. It is easy to get into the habit of little white lies too. There was a function I really did not want to attend, so I didn't, and when asked I said I had forgotten. What's the use? Why not just say, I was too lazy to get dressed. I am going
to do my best to be honest and no white lies. I said "do my best".

quote

"The most exhausting thing in life, I have discovered, is being insincere." Ann Morrow Lindberg

I am caught in the middle of trying to pacify a friend and I have been insincere and it
bothers me. I am disappointed in myself for not being as honest as I should because I will hurt her feelings. Ann Lindberg is right, it is exhausting to be insincere.

fragmented

Like salt spilled on the counter, just a huge mess, that's what I am today. no focus, no motivation, no nothing. I put one of those little grains into my mouth and it is amazing how much flavor just one little grain of salt is on my tongue. If I could gather even a teaspoon of myself together, there is potential for a really good day, still the effort is not there right now and I think I'll just stay scattered for a little while longer.

Searching for Classmates

My class of 1970 is having a 40th reunion in June and because I am one of only a few people in the class who still live in Yazoo City, I get to help. I spent most of the day on face book in the "search for people you haven't seen in 40 years" section.

This is what you do - Get your Senior Annual and a good pair of glasses, Type in the name and try to match up the senior pictures + 40 years and identify it as their facebook picture . I got real good at identifying the people my age vs. younger, most of the men have beards and bellys, most of the women have beards and bellys. We all looks alike!

After a whole day I found 3 people out of 50, but I am pretty sure that I can spot anyone in any school in the class of 1970, give or take a year.

Time Out

Lizzie and Robert's baby is here. Egan. She is 1 1/2 years old. I am 57. (I know from a previous post that I said I really want to be 7 again, but today I am still 57)
Lizzie and Robert along with other new age parents, use the "time out" strategy for correcting children. Justin Mayo, a newly adopted relative, says this, "My parents didn't put me in Time Out, they whooped my a--"

Egan was being prissy today and would not respond to any "do nots or No! don't you dares"
So all that was left to try was time out. I found the perfect corner and after about 4 failed tries of getting Egan to stand there, I found out that the corner is not a bad place to be. It is quiet, and left alone, I could be very happy there. So thanks to time out Hoppie (that would be me) has found a new spot to go and sit while the child gets over their rage.

Chicken and Dumplings/ or How the South Could have Won the War

If the south had served Chicken and Dumplings to the Yankees, we would have won the war.They would not have been able to move for days. Flags would have been raised and cries of "more dumplings" would have been heard around the world.

Alas.

Ah, but we in the south, we understand the miracle that happens when the chicken meets the dumpling. Jody and I have always loved them, the children always picked out the chicken but now as adults, they call for the recipe. I have over the years developed my own recipe and it takes a little time, but it is not complicated.

Chicken and Dumplings

Using one whole Chicken, halved, cut up, or quartered. Skin on.
please wash the chicken.

Bring to a boil 2 quarts of chicken broth and then turn down to a simmer.
Add 2 stalks celery ( cut into large chunks), 2 carrots (large chunks), 1 onion skinned
and quartered. Kosher salt and pepper about 1 tsp. - you'll add to this later. 1 tsp. thyme, 1 tsp. poultry seasoning, 2 bay leaves.
Add your chicken and cover the pot. Simmer for 2 hours.

While this is cooking, color your hair, file your nails, mop the floor or do the laundry, just let the pot cook the chicken gently and don't rush it.

Take the chicken, onion, carrots, celery out of the pot to cool - discard the celery and the onion but if you like carrots, chop them up to put back into the pot later.
Into the stock add 2 cans of cream of chicken soup and 1 can of cream of mushroom soup
(LOW Fat is fine) this adds thickness and more flavor.

When the chicken is cool enough to take the meat off the bones, take it off in large
pieces, don't shread the chicken (nothing is worse than stringy chicken). Put the chicken in the refrigerator to cool, it will not go back into the pot until the last 15 minutes, remember it is already done.

Dumplings (yawn, I hope you aren't going to sleep)
Dumplings are 1 cup plain flour and 1 cup self rising flour and the remainder of the chicken broth you saved. Pour a cup of the broth into the flour and stir, gently, add more broth and stir gently until the flour holds together and is not sticky
add more flour if it is. You should be able to make a ball with it, the less it is handled the better. On a sheet of floured wax paper roll out the ball into a rectangle, not too thin and a little thicker than pie crust. Cut into strips about as long as dinner fork prongs and a little wider.

Fill a skillet 1/2 full of water with a little salt and place on the stove top. Turn to boil then reduce to simmer. Remove the dumplings from the wax paper a few at a time
and lay gently into the simmering water, in about 3 minutes remove them with a slotted spoon into the chicken stock. Repeat this until all the dumplings are in the stock. 15 minutes before you are ready to eat put the chicken in and then add 1/2 carton (small size)or more of heavy cream. (less is not more in this case)

Biscuits or Cornbread? Please.

When I grow up

I love little children, when they are old enough to be able to comprehend what you are saying and answer you. Anna is 6. I told her at Christmas that when I grow up I am going to have a bicycle like hers. She gets so tickled "Hoppie, you ARE grown up."
"No", I always say back, "I'm not at all grown up, I just look this way."

I really think that in our mind and our spirit we are a certain age that we stay even when we "grow up." I want to be 7 but I'm 37 in my mind and 57 in my body. My friend
Betti McCready is definitely younger than she is. And some people are older than they are, you know, they looked older when they were kids and they acted older too, but as adults they are really old.

I'm not trying to put off aging, I can see it every day in the mirror, but if I did not have to look in the mirror, if I was blind, I would still feel like I'm 37. I'm stuck
in that age. I'm not even sure I'm any wiser than I was then either, I'm possibly more confused...and anyone who knows me will find it hard to believe that I can be more confused than I am. So one day when you see me on my new bicycle, you'll know that I finally grew up.

Carrying a Grudge

Mimi used to tell me not to carry a grudge because it wasn't pretty. Looking through
the internet today I saw this image - it must be a grudge, I am pretty sure of it, if it is not, it is what I always imagined a grudge to look like. And its hard enough these
days to look nice without having one of these things on my shoulder...

Calmness

Mother was here. In a literal sense, she was really here, for 2 nights a guest for nothing more than a visit and a little pampering. She arrived Sunday afternoon with everything but the kitchen sink and a rather large jar with what looked like a urine sample in it - Bourbon, I was told.

The weather has been chilly to say the least and we thought she would enjoy sitting by the fire, which she did. She was quite pleasant to have around, I got tickled to find out that she talks to herself and still hums the first 4 notes to Sweet Adoline when she hears something she thinks is silly or stupid. Oh, and she rolls her eyes while she hums
it.

Mother likes to watch t.v. and when I returned from taking her home I realized how silent and calming it was to have no noise in the house at all. This is the year to create more calm in my life. I am going to go, one room at a time and eliminate clutter and in bedrooms, I am going to try to create a clean palette of color and calm for rest.
So I'm off now with my gathering sack in hand to tackle the ugly clutter.

Blog On...

It is not that I am wise and have so much to say - rather it is more about what I don't say. I am more a listener than a talker and there are some talkers out there. Some people keep journals, I like to type so this is the place for me to be. I will not and I repeat - I will not blog about politics or religion...both of these subjects are too
personal for me. In this "tell all" life that we live these days, I find myself more interested in what is left unsaid...is there any mystery left out there?

To blog or not to blog

Its all said and done

I have just begun to recover from a cold I got as the children drove off. It felt like a scene in a Dr. Seuss book, standing and watching with bits of scrap laying everywhere, pieces of ribbon looking much like that mousy rat tail belonging to that zhu zhu pet, kleenex piles and diaper balls, the glitter on the floor covered with dirt, and me and Jody waving goodbye to the van carrying the last bits of family back home. There came the first sneeze.

Here are two last photos that sum it up and make me smile.